Thursday, January 22, 2015

Horror Royal Rumble Contenders


This Sunday WWE presents the Royal Rumble pay-per-view event in Philadelphia, marking its 28th year and beginning the road to Wrestlemania 31. The event includes a 30-man Royal Rumble match where the winner will go on to wrestle for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship at Wrestlemania.

While many have already predicted who will win this years match (hi Roman Reigns), it's still exciting to see who comes to the ring first, see surprise entrants and superstars from WWE's past, as well as who gets knocked over the front rope the fastest, and who can remain in the ring for a majority of the match.

In honor of the upcoming event I have compiled a list of characters for a Horror Royal Rumble based on their strengths and weaknesses, and what they can offer in a professional wrestling match. Who would you pick in a 30-man Horror Royal Rumble?

The Top 10


Michael Myers (Halloween)


Michael Myers brutally murdered his sister when he was six years old and was institutionalized most of his life until he broke out fifteen years later. Despite his time spent locked up he grew up to be very strong and agile as a young adult. His height and upper body strength would be his advantage in a battle against 30 men, and with bullets and knives (not permitted weapons in the rumble match) unable to take him down, the seemingly indestructible force would be a contender to win the battle, or at least last until there are only three other men left in the ring.

Jason Voorhees (Friday the 13th Part II)


Jason Voorhees died tragically as a boy at summer camp, but that didn't stop him from returning years later to avenge his mother's death. Although Jason has facial deformities and mental disabilities, that does not mean he is weak or stupid. He knows how to pace himself and wait for the right moment to attack, and due to his brute strength he is able to take down anyone easily. He does have a slight advantage over everyone else because he is supernatural, but in a good old fashioned wrestling match his endurance and strength are what will help him stay in the rumble until the very end.

Leatherface (The Texas Chainsaw Massacre)


Leatherface just wants to look pretty and wear people’s faces and if you happen to stumble upon the Sawyer family home, it’s totally your fault for getting in his way. His weapon of choice is his trusted chainsaw and while that isn’t allowed in a traditional rumble match, he can use his upper body strength to powerbomb and body slam his opponents with ease. He’s a little mentally unstable (but, aren’t they all?) and tends to freak out in overwhelming situations, so that could work against him in a battle with 29 other strong contenders. 

Freddy Krueger (A Nightmare on Elm Street)


Freddy Krueger may have molested some of the children in Springwood and was casually burned alive by their vengeful parents, but that wasn’t enough to stop him from living (spiritually) and having a great sense of humor. He isn’t physically strong or big, but he is sneaky and smart. Size doesn’t always matter in a fight and what he lacks in muscle density he makes up for with his quick thinking. He could easily find a way to last in the rumble by allowing everyone else to fight and throw each other out while he remained under the radar throughout the match.

John Nada (They Live)


John Nada shares a striking resemblance with WWE Legend “Rowdy” Roddy Piper, and he knows how to move like him too! Nada is a drifter who marches to the beat of his own drum and defies authority when the time is right. He’s built like a wrestler, he knows how to brawl, and something tells me that he would be very good on the mic too. But mic skills don’t matter in the rumble—wrestling ability, intelligence, and endurance do—and Nada is the epitome of all of those things. When he’s not saving the world from aliens, he could probably win a Horror Character Royal Rumble match. But, he most likely would never receive the WWE World Heavyweight title.

Patrick Bateman (American Psycho)


Patrick Bateman is a metrosexual maniac who really just despises everyone but himself. He’s extremely meticulous, organized and efficient, especially when he wants to murder someone. While he can’t murder anyone in the rumble match, he can use his strong hatred for them as his fuel. He would undoubtedly go to the ring with a plan on how to attack, will have studied all of his possible contenders and their weaknesses, and will have trained like a beast so that he could fight like one. There is no way that Bateman would allow himself to be eliminated--it would be insulting to his character.

Jacob Goodnight (See No Evil)


Jacob Goodnight also resembles a WWE Superstar—Kane—and can use his height and build to his advantage. Jacob can pick individuals up without a problem, can take substantial abuse from others, and he’s good with his hands. While he may not have the endurance of some of the other contenders, his size will make it difficult for others to easily throw him over the top rope.

Ash (Evil Dead, Evil Dead II, Army of Darkness)

Ash Williams isn't always the brightest character and he often makes dumb decisions that get him in to trouble. But, he's human, and human's make mistakes--and then learn from those mistakes. Despite his sporadic stupidity, Ash can be really clever and resourceful (he made a prosthetic hand out of a metal gauntlet, people!). His resourcefulness will keep him on his feet during the rumble match and his ability to overcome evil will help him outlast a lot of his opponents in the match.

Tyrese (The Walking Dead)


Tyrese is a very sensitive individual. He might be hesitant to hurt anyone when he first enters the ring, but once he starts getting hit or hurt, a switch will definitely go off and he will react as though his life depends on it. You won't like Tyrese when he's angry, and for a reason: he can throw a punch. Tyrese is a former NFL player, and his size is a testament to that. When he puts all of his weight into a punch, it will probably feel like you're being hit by a mack truck.

David (The Guest)


David is a soldier who has exceptional talents that can be used to his advantage. He’s not an extremely big guy, but he is lean, strong, and he knows how to fight. His aggressiveness may get him into trouble, but if you compile that with his swiftness he'll have no trouble throwing a few guys out of the ring. He's calculating and very smart, and he will most likely have his game plan mapped out within the first five seconds of being in the ring. David's build and agility would surely allow for some high-flying moves that can result in some epic eliminations on the other men in the ring.


Also in the Horror Royal Rumble Match:

 
Soo-Hyun (I Saw the Devil)
Dutch (Predator)
Abraham (The Walking Dead)
Dexter Morgan (Dexter)
Severen (Near Dark)
RJ McReady (The Thing)
Otis Driftwood (The Devil’s Rejects)
Hannibal Lecter (Silence of the Lambs)
Tex Sawyer (Leatherface)
Billy Ray Snapper (The Devil’s Rejects)
Machete (Machete)
Sex Machine (From Dusk Till Dawn)
Blade (Blade)
Santa Clause (Santa’s Slay)
The Juggernaut (Thirteen Ghosts)
Victor Crowley (Hatchet)
Captain Howdy (Strangeland)
Leslie Vernon (Behind the Mask)
Candyman (Candyman)
John Ryder (The Hitcher)

That's my list of  who I would like to see in a Horror Royal Rumble match. Every character has their own unique strengths--and weakness--that qualify them for the 30-man match. Who would you pick to win?

1 comments:

Shit Movie Fest said...

My money's on Blade!

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